What 2019 Taught Me About Relationships

Every single one of us are in a relationship of some kind–whether this relationship is with a romantic partner, a friendship, with ourselves, and who or what we worship. This year has given me many lessons that I am still processing through that I want to share with you.

Put yourself first.

I know this may rub some of you the wrong way, but hear me out. Ever since becoming a wife and then a mother, everyone made sure to let me know that my needs will never matter again. They were certain to let me know that the needs of my husband and my daughter would come first. After assessing those statements in correlation to my actual life and experience, I have found that this is not true. I must come first or I will not be able to give my best to my self or my family...or to anyone, for that matter. I cannot give what I do not have. If I am not caring for my own needs, I cannot adequately care for anyone or anything.

Trust your instincts.

I have had people tell me in the past that I can be distant from people because of what I may pick up from their initial vibe upon first contact. Honestly, to date, the only times this has royally kicked me in the rear are the times that I didn’t trust my own instinct over someone’s opinion of my instinct.

As women, we are often socialized to be gentle, friendly, and nice. This often means that we essentially shouldn’t trust our gut instinct about a person or a situation because it may come across as mean or judgmental. Hear me clearly, you owe no one comfort at the expense of your safety. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, there is a reason. There may be many reasons but you can figure that out in a place of safety with people and in an environment that you trust.

Your relationship with God is yours.

Nothing or no one knows me more deeply and more intimately than God and the more I get to know God, the more I know myself. The more intimately acquainted I become with myself, the more I connect with God. It is in this place of honesty and awareness that I meet God and bare my soul, my grief, my hope, and my dreams. This is where my heart is softened and changed. This is where my curiosity is met by the Eternal that reminds how vast yet accessible God is. What I believe about God is for me so that I may engage others according to what I truly believe.

Generally speaking, people that identify as Christian typically assume that everyone believes the exact same things about God as they do but the beauty of the life of faith is that an unfathomable God could relate to every one of us in ways that reach each of us both individually and collectively. I no longer feel bad about the various ways that I worship, connect with God, or how I follow Jesus because regardless of what any persons theology is, that’s all it is. Theology is ultimately for us. God knows exactly who God is.

If people want to leave, let them.

There are plenty of reasons people will choose to stay with you and not all of those reason are noble or thoughtful. Everyone isn’t going to be a forever person, even if it seems like they might be. If there is one thing I learned is that people will surprise you–wisdom shared with a friend of mine by a catholic priest. And it couldn’t be more true. The ones you think will make it through any relational challenges and growth may not be interested. They have that right. Let them go. Some people haven’t done enough of their own work to have challenging conversations or to even articulate their perspective in a coherent way. Sometimes, the relationship simply expired. Whatever the reason or reasons, no one is owed friendship but the people that are in the thick of it with you will be in it with you. Or they wont. Let them go.

You are your first friend.

This year, I made a point of spending time alone. I went away for a few days by myself so I could gather my thoughts, take a long hot bath, and drink wine in an AirBnB while making a new recipe. I took myself out to lunch with a book or a podcast. I spend hours at the bookstore. I went to try on clothes I never thought I’d wear and became pleasantly surprised. I held space for my grief and sadness. I let myself be angry and fiery. I smiled and felt deep abiding joy. I sang and painted and wrote haikus. I celebrated my accomplishments and allow my self to be seen by me. I stopped allowing myself to say harsh and harmful words about my body and my process. I took myself to therapy. I allowed myself to change my mind and refocus my affections. I have come to treasure the relationship I have with myself because I need me. I’m the one I’ve been waiting on to heal and play and grow.

There are plenty of people that love you and want you to succeed.

This stuck out to me because I grew up with the opposite ideology. I was constantly reminded that people are waiting to see me fail, since I was a young child. Ideologies like this don’t just go away. They sink deep down, way down. They sink so far down that even if you don’t believe it to be true, your DNA has somehow morphed around the notion and participates in your life as though it were. To be honest, there are people that may be waiting to celebrate your failure or people that are waiting for you to fail so that they can be celebrated in becoming your salvation, however, there are plenty of people cheering you on. As a matter of fact, if you can make yourself vulnerable enough, some people are even waiting for you to tell them how they can help. I have had moments where I was dog sick and friends would come and lovingly care for my daughter. I have had other moments where I had finals due when I was in grad school and they came to my home to entertain my daughter with dinner in tow, wanting nothing in return. I have been so blessed to have so many people that love me and my little family that make us cookies for Christmas and show up for events, even when they had more than enough reason not to show up.

There is no self-awareness without the ability to self-observe.

In order to progress on any growth journey, we have to be self-aware and we cannot be self-aware without the ability to observe ourselves. I’ve learned how important it is to become a graceful and honest observer of myself. I regularly ask myself question like:

• Why am I doing this particular activity?

• Is there something else that is contributing to whatever is happening right now?

• Are there feelings that I am not admitting to myself?

• What am I afraid of?

• What was the motive of a particular action or statement?

Practicing self-observation allows us the ability to mature and grow by asking diagnostic questions.

Understand what your needs are and what you have to offer a relationship.

I have a bend toward being an external processor. I’m an intense person. I get very passionate about everything I remotely care about. I love to dream and consider possibilities. I ask a lot of questions. And I mean, a lot. I have an interesting sense of humour that I rather enjoy. I am all the way or all the way out. I am a rational optimist. These qualities are not for everyone and that’s cool. I just don’t want to learn this lesson any later than I have to. I know that these are some of the qualities I bring to the table. I also know many of the qualities that I’m looking for in relationships. It is important to me to be able to discuss topics that I find important like politics, social justice, trauma, and theology. It’s also important to me that we can just kick it and watch Key and Peele and have a glass of wine. It’s important to me that folks can distinguish between my need to process externally and not take everything literally or personally. One of the most important things is probably the ability for someone to be able to engage in honest conversations that challenge but the commitment is there so there isn’t a constant worry that people will up and leave. It is also critical that others are mature enough to be able to say what their needs are as well. After enough experience, between having more self-awareness and trusting my instincts, I’m more equipped to choose well. I don’t think I’m in the minority when I say that I’m not sad to see 2019 go. I’m grateful for the lessons that I’ve learned with regard to relationships so I’m wiser than I once was and glad with trusting the timing of where things are now. Yet, I look forward to healthier, richer relationships with people that accept my process, hold space for my thoughts and feelings, meet me with their honest selves, and regard my “too-muchness” as the perfect amount for them. I look forward to playing with my kid, intentionally creating a beautifully lived-in life with my partner, and becoming more myself.